I’ve been traveling a lot lately and it’s given me a chance to reflect on my opinions regarding airlines. For the most part I think my opinions on flying itself could be summed up by the following video from Gentlemen’s Rants:
However I’ve been experiencing security a lot more lately and I have some opinions to share about that: Most TSA agents are either pedophiles, sexual deviants, or pathetic losers.
I say this because I’ve been through 11 airports in the past 6 months and I always opt-out. I really enjoy my complimentary TSA light massage. Sadly they always give me a male masseur, but I at least moan a little when he rubs his hands up my thighs towards my groin area. Just to let them know I appreciate the gesture. I am concerned about one thing, though: When I get my complimentary massage, they always forget to check my bags further. This week I’ve gone through security with a full bottle of chocolate milk in my bag and not a word from TSA. TWELVE OUNCES of delicious chocolate milk.
I haven’t turned off my phone on a flight in 6 years. In fact I love using my cell phone when we’re landing because I get signal then. We’ve never crashed or been diverted to Bermuda, sadly. I don’t think I’ve ever willingly placed my carry on under the seat in front of me. I have a beautiful collection of in-flight safety cards.
When the gate attendent asks people to board the plane I rarely board when I’m told, and opt for the first feasible attempt to get on the plane. If your belongings are above my seat because you thought you were cool in putting them there on your way back to row 29 middle seat, they won’t be there when we land. I’ve never been in an emergency but if I was I can promise you this: I will not help you off the plane and will in fact do everything possible to save my life including sacrificing you and your beanie baby collection. That’s life.
When I’m at an airport I will beg, borrow, steal, or cause severe bodily injury to get to a power outlet. Sadly that bodily injury tends to be my own body. Never the less if I see a power outlet please stand aside, running into me at full steam is like hitting an entire class of elementary school children in your Mini Cooper. It’s gonna leave a dent.
Wireless? Yes. I will often try my best to guess wireless passwords. I’m continually amazed at how lucky I am when I get them right.
Overall flying typically sucks, unless you’re flying Virgin America. I’ve flown every major American carrier and I have to say they all pale in comparison to Virgin America. Virgin is how an airline should be run. It’s neat, clean, technologically advanced, and built to let me entertain, feed, and hydrate myself. I wish I could fly Virgin America everywhere but sadly I cannot. This latest trip was on Jetblue. While a little better on roominess it still had its problems.
Through all of this, over the years, I’ve always made it to my destination. There has never been an incident at 30,000 feet. If airports were a little cheaper with their food, perhaps a bit more travel friendly, and we dispensed with this ridiculous TSA security theater, flying could be enjoyable again. Until then I will continue to accept my complimentary light massage, and maybe someday, just maybe, Noomi Rapace will be there to give me my massage.
